A Foster Parent’s Dilemma: All Is Not Lost

A foster parent to a Penikese-typical boy is, after six months of doing a wonderful job, at the end of her rope. She knows she needs to let go but struggles with how this might affect her foster son, likening the decision to “throwing him off a bridge” and adding yet another loss to an already loss-filled life. I listened to her and replied with the following:

True, this boy has been dealt a shit hand, but it is still up to him to play that hand. In the real world people have their limits, there are consequences for how we treat people, and we get only so many chances. Yes he has been victimized, but he is not a victim here, and no one should be keeping him from learning these things just because they feel sorry. This is on him.

But ending the foster placement does not mean he has to lose his relationship and connection with you, and that’s the most important thing. Get some help framing what you want to say, and then tell him that he is still worth it and still matters to you (and why), that you will still be there for him in certain ways, and then follow through the best you can over time.

He might say something like, “Yeah, yeah, that’s what everybody says,” but boys like your foster son have enormous difficulty imagining different outcomes, and failure only confirms what they already know: I screw up and people write me off. You can prove this wrong over time, but only if you follow through on your words!

Try to keep in mind, too, that you never know when a kid is going to get it, and sometimes the only chance they have is when they lose something they could've kept if they had taken the opportunity a bit more seriously. It's a harsh way to learn a lesson, but these often teach us the most. Over the years Penikese has kept in touch with dozens of former students that never graduated, and many tell us that getting tossed helped them wake up and start taking responsibility for their lives.

Bottom line, letting go does not have to mean all is lost and, if handled with care and compassion, may in the long run do more for the boy than all your previous six months’ efforts on his behalf combined.