Beginning Strategies for Finding Help

Finding Services for Your Child in Need

Help!

“Hello, this is the Penikese Island School, how can I help you?”
Telephone caller (starting slowly but quickly building): “Uh, I’d like some information about your program. It’s my son, he’s a great kid, I love him, but he doesn’t listen. He got thrown out of school, and he just hangs out on the streets with his friends. I caught him drinking and grounded him but he blew up and trashed the house and left. I just don’t know what to do…”

Penikese: “What you’re going through sounds awful, but in order to see if we can help, I need a little more infor…”

Caller (cutting in): “Listen, I heard that you have a good program. I saw something on TV once and you guys are exactly what my son needs. How do I get him in there? I need help before it’s too late!”

Community Services

In recent years Penikese has grown to become not only an island program, but also a resource for the community at large. We call this effort our Community Services Program, one aspect of which is fielding calls just like these and taking the time to provide concerned parents with compassion, helpful information, and simple strategies for finding services and assistance. Human nature being the way it is, however, circumstances at home have usually spun badly out of control before anybody finally picks up the phone, so by the time we hear from the parents they have reached the panic stage. They want their nightmare to disappear and are looking to us for answers pronto.

Buy and Hold

Unfortunately, promises that sound too good to be true probably are. Penikese doesn’t offer scratch ticket solutions, only assurances based on sound planning and perseverance. Call it the buy-and-hold strategy – boring but proven over the long term. So comes the next part:

Penikese: “I know it’s disappointing to hear Penikese: “I know it’s disappointing to hear this, but there is little chance of your son getting into Penikese immediately. From what you are telling me, there aren’t enough services or any funding in place, and even if there were, your son would still have to choose to come to Penikese, usually the biggest hurdle of all. The good news is that our experience proves that things can get better if you are willing to put in some effort and hang in there long enough. Here’s where I would begin…”

Safety First

If safety is any kind of concern, it must be addressed immediately. Children on the run, hanging with dangerous people, recklessly abusing substances, hurting or threatening to hurt themselves or other people, all must be stopped ASAP, as in you must call the police now! These are not the times for hand wringing and dithering. Think of how you would feel if something serious happened and you had done nothing to try to prevent it. We have heard the excuses such as “He’ll end up in jail and that’ll make him worse!” Or, “He’s not crazy, he’s just mixed up. He doesn’t need a psych ward!” Better in jail or a hospital than dead. Safety first.

Wag the Dog

The plain fact is, most people will never change their behavior until they absolutely must. In the 12 Step programs you will hear people say that if recovery were easy, everybody would do it. Nobody got sober until they had suffered enough consequences to realize they had a problem and got up the gumption to do something about it.

Tough talk about consequences sometimes prompts parents to say, “But he’s such a good kid. He just needs the right program and some understanding!” What they are really saying is that if they could just figure out what was wrong and fix it, then the behavior would go away. Not! Trying to solve the problem without addressing the behavior (either first or at least co-jointly with other interventions) is nothing more than letting the tail wag the dog, a sure prescription for prolonging or even worsening the agony. Hopefully there’ll be plenty of time for understanding later, but only if you address the behavior first.

CHINS is as CHINS Does

Stopping the behavior often entails filing a CHINS petition (or Child In Need of Services) with the Juvenile Court, a step that gets Juvenile Probation and the Department of Social Services involved and sets up some conditions (an “or else”) to which the child must be accountable. Many times we hear parents complain that they “tried that and it didn’t work,” but further prodding usually reveals that although there was a CHINS, there also was an unrealistic expectation that it would do the work all by itself. The CHINS is only as good as the parents that work it to report violations to the probation department, insist that the court hold the boy accountable and, if necessary, ratchet up the consequences.

Department of Social Services

Filing a CHINS usually also opens a case with the Department of Social Services, but if this gets overlooked, parents can file a request for voluntary services. DSS’ overall mission is to provide for the care and protection of youth at-risk, so involving DSS adds another level of services and possible interventions for your child.

Similar to the Courts, however, DSS can accomplish little by itself. On any given day, the average caseworker scrambles with enough crises to send his or her Palm Pilot sizzling up in smoke. If you believe that your child is not adhering to the service plan or their probation conditions, or you haven’t heard from the caseworker lately, don’t just sit there, pick up the phone!

Another concern about the CHINS and DSS worth mentioning is the common fear that parents could lose control of their ability to make decisions about their child’s future. In truth, there is some risk, but to our way of thinking, the potential benefits far outweigh the possible risks, especially when the child’s safety is the primary concern.

The ABCs of the IEP

One of the most important questions we ask is to what extent the public schools are involved and whether the child has an IEP, or Individualized Education Plan. In other words, do they have special needs? If so, there might be opportunities for specialized services and funding that wouldn’t be available otherwise. If your child does have an IEP and is still falling behind, it is time to meet with the special education department to see if the IEP needs rewriting. If your child doesn’t have an IEP and you believe he might have special needs, it is within your right to ask for an evaluation.

Still, an IEP is no panacea and won’t get a boy straight into Penikese. Schools must provide special education in the least restrictive settings possible, and residential schools are about as restrictive (and expensive) as they get. The most important thing is to start shaking trees and advocate for your child. If you feel rebuffed or overwhelmed by special education mumbo-jumbo, talk to an educational advocate. You can find a listing of advocates and other helpful information on the web site of the Special Needs Advocacy Network.

It Won’t Work the First Time…

OK, so our hypothetical caller has taken Penikese’s suggestions and now, after a fair amount of telephone time, has successfully called in the troops and a plan is in place. You hold your breath and…what next?

Common Scenario Number One is that the child sees you mean business, buckles down and starts attending school, obeying curfew, and dialing back the oppositional and defiant act at home. Relieved, the parents ease up on the program, letting an infraction slide here or failing to report a violation there. Big mistake! The behavior is certain to return and may rebound much worse than before, just like a bad cough after failing to take all of your antibiotics. No wavering!

Common Scenario Number Two is that nothing changes at first. But think, from the perspective of the child, how many times have they been threatened with consequences only to never see them materialize? Why should they change now? Well, hang tough because your strategy probably won’t work the first time or every time, but it will work over time. Steel yourself against the siren song of their pleas, promises, and threats until they begin to experience real consequences. Only then will you begin to see some changes.

Tougher Than the Rest

Your ultimate goal is to bring your child to a point where he or she has to make a choice, and whether that choice is Penikese, some other program or jail, it is still a choice and one without which life-changing treatment cannot begin. Not all choose treatment right away and some have to get taken from their homes by DSS or locked up by the Court to see for themselves that consequences truly exist. Even if this is the latest outcome, don’t lose hope. Some cases take stronger medicine than others, and if our years of experience have taught us anything, it is that you just never know what can happen. When all is said and done, success usually comes down to nothing more than who stuck it out the toughest and longest – the parent or the child.